Cash Effectively Spent: ‘Moron’ Thomas Massie Joins Marjorie Taylor Greene on Ash Heap of Historical past
Trump’s successful purge proves there is still one party that refuses to coddle its antisemites
President Donald Trump, his allies, and the United States of America prevailed on Tuesday as Rep. Thomas Massie (R., Ky.) lost his primary race to Trump-backed challenger Ed Gallrein, a retired Navy SEAL and fifth-generation dairy farmer. The Associated Press called the race for Gallrein roughly an hour after polls closed, with Massie poised to lose by double digits.
“I’m going to win,” Massie told CBS News on Monday. Instead, he’ll join disgraced former Reps. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R., Ga.), Jamaal Bowman (D., N.Y.), and Cori Bush (D., Mo.) as the latest fringe agitator and antisemite to endure an involuntary early retirement. As gracious as ever in defeat, Massie apologized to supporters for letting them down. Just kidding, he blamed the Jews. “I would’ve come out sooner,” he said, “but I had to call my opponent and concede, and it took a while to find Ed Gallrein in Tel Aviv.”
An acolyte of the irrelevant Sen. Rand Paul (R., Ky.)—who we’re pretty sure is no longer serving (but couldn’t be bothered to check)—Massie had invited the challenge with his increasingly obnoxious behavior. In addition to voting against Trump’s top priorities, Massie stoked the delusions of right-wing (and left-wing) cranks by posing as a righteous crusader against Jewish-backed deep state conspiracies. He also invited them to his house for good measure, and looked on as a PAC supporting his campaign ran one of the most bizarre and blatantly antisemitic ads in recent memory featuring what the legacy media described as an “unexplained” rainbow Star of David. We’re pretty sure we can explain it.
These fans of the soon-to-be-former congressman (and other lunatics) will now be tasked with determining which supernatural force bears more blame for Massie’s defeat—Donald Trump or the Jews? A rhetorical question, of course. As the antisemites have certainly realized by now, even someone as handsome and powerful as Trump is not impervious to Jewish influence. The real question is whether they will ultimately grasp the futility of waging a lame crusade against an omnipotent cult that controls the weather, the space lasers, and the White House.
“My people are smart enough to understand that this is Israel trying to buy an election,” Massie told Fox News on Tuesday. Alas, his constituents’ brains did not prove beyond the reach of the meddling globalists, who spent a small fraction of their towering net worth to defeat a man Trump once charitably described as a “complete and total disaster as a congressman and, frankly, as a human being.” Money well spent, in our opinion. His righteous defeat concluded what was arguably the most important primary of the 2026 cycle. His victory would have emboldened the antisemitic conspiracy mongers that exist on both sides of the political spectrum. The result is proof that Republicans are not willing to coddle these freaks and are willing to happily purge them from their ranks. It sends a strong signal that frothing Groyperism is not a winning message in GOP primaries, which is good for the long-term health of the party and the country. For that, we can thank the unyielding leadership of Donald Trump—and whatever forces are controlling his mind.
Democrats are a different story. The closest thing the party has to a leader is Zohran Mamdani, the trust-fund radical in charge of New York City whose wife—if he ever let her speak in public—would no doubt have some colorful opinions about who is to blame for what just happened to Thomas Massie. It seems almost inevitable that the 2028 Democratic nominee will share a stage with Hasan Piker, the beefcake brocialist who prefers China to America and dead CEOs to living Jews. Democrats seem more than happy to let him fill the vacuum, given his perceived popularity with terrorist supporters and overeducated morons—two of the party’s most reliable voting blocs, which often overlap.
Congratulations to Trump on this deserved victory, and for showing Democrats how to handle the riffraff. It can be done. Good riddance, Thomas Massie. He’s about to have more time on his hands, so we look forward to him finally getting to the bottom of what happened on 9/11—in case it wasn’t obvious by now.