The ‘practical’ item Queen Elizabeth II reportedly had in her handbag

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Royals go from prim to grim

“From palace officials, we were told to bow from the neck,” said journalist Mark Steyn. “George the Fifth said only waiters bow from the waist.”

Steyn. Author, radio host, his TV show airs daily in the UK. So I asked what had always been in that omnipresent omnipotent Queen Elizabeth handbag?

“Royals become practical. Edward the Eighth always decreed you never miss an opportunity to do the loo. Go even if not needed. Because at any moment you’ll face some VIP or Fiji prime minister or somebody and then you can’t go. I was actually told a toilet seat cover was always in her handbag.”

Educated in the United Kingdom’s King Edward’s School, Birmingham, it was the same institution author J.R.R. Tolkien had attended. Steyn’s ability with words possibly came from having been assigned the same dictionary used by Tolkien.

About the Firm’s duties, he said: “The job is not ‘glamorous’ like Meghan wanted. Not like being photographed with Oprah. But it’s what the queen did, right until the end. Just days ago Queen Elizabeth sent a message to her Canadian subjects following a mass murder in Saskatchewan which is a part of Her Majesty’s dominions. I doubt this Duchess of Sussex could even pronounce that or find it on a map. But the queen did it, day in, day out, until well after sundown.

“She enjoyed simplicity. In her drafty big castle she’d be at a modest desk with the kind of little space heater you get at Walmart for 15 bucks.”

So, how about now Queen Consort Camilla and King Charles’ old Tampax jokes?

“We all did them. Amazing how Charles got over that. Shows if you put your head down and barrel on, you can get over anything.”

And me-me-me Meghan?

“Oh, please. Ghastly. Worst kind of cheapo third-rate Z-list celebrity. She preferred photographers to visiting hospitals. Not her scene. And [Harry], he’s of no interest to anybody. He isn’t actually very bright.

Life in the royal family is not as glamorous as Meghan Markle reportedly expected it to be.
Life in the royal family is not as glamorous as Meghan Markle reportedly expected it to be.
Photo by Max Mumby/Indigo/Getty Images

“That level always milks something that fades every day. Born second, you spend your whole life becoming unimportant. This pair will eventually grow less valuable. Real celebrities will tire of them — and, watch, soon the VIPs won’t even return their calls.” 


Citrus sours in the southland

Gov. DeSantis has been successful in frightening parents with respect to Florida’s public schools — so mommies and daddies are sending their children to private schools. Those fortunate little ones are now spared learning anything that would make them “uncomfortable.”

Meanwhile, according to police and administrators, a 42-year-old female teacher at a Florida private school got arrested for getting it on with a student.

Jamie Melton, a high school English instructor at Tampa’s $25,000-a-year Carrollwood Day School, is facing criminal charges after allegedly having “sexual relations” with a student.

Sunny retirement state. Land of oranges and whatever other fruit you can pluck.


Florida. Only a salesman’s daughter but she knew to give out samples. Only a waiter’s daughter but she sure could dish it out. Only a mechanic’s daughter but she could fix a guy’s wagon. Only a teacher’s daughter but boy! did she have the faculties.

And not only in New York, kids, not in New York.



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